


Ah, What a Wonderful Cat Life

by hailexcalibur



Category: Nijisanji ID, Virtual Streamer Animated Characters
Genre: Attempt at Humor, Crack Treated Seriously, Gen, How Do I Tag, Inappropriate Humor, because it's me we're talking about, cat hybrid taka, just three men trying to think and failing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-22 00:48:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30030492
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hailexcalibur/pseuds/hailexcalibur
Summary: It was supposed to be another peaceful day, where he can just stream with his friends, laugh about anything and everything, and have a generally good time. That was all Taka wanted, normalcy.Unfortunately, fate had other plans as he wakes up feeling like he's not completely himself.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 11





	Ah, What a Wonderful Cat Life

**Author's Note:**

> Written in celebration of #DIES_TAKALIS_21. Happy birthday, Takamama! I tried my best to come up with something lighthearted but I can't finish in time, so I'll probably have to split this into three parts and try my best to update weekly. :^) 
> 
> This came from an idea that's been flitting around in my head for a while and since 3_gu is my favorite unit I decided to throw in the other two boys too and have everyone be confused together, lmao. 
> 
> Anyways, I'm really sorry if there are a lot of inaccuracies and some mistakes here and there. I edited it to the best of my ability and this is unbeta-ed so, sobs.
> 
> Enjoy your gift!

When Taka wakes up this morning, all groggy with a pounding headache, he knows something is definitely wrong.

The man hisses under his breath when he’s greeted with blinding sunlight filtering in through the window, hastily scrambling for the curtains while rubbing his eyes furiously. He squints, but it doesn’t do much to lessen the intensity and it _still_ hurts even when he looks away.

_Why is everything so bright?_ Not to mention, the muted black and blue colors of his room appear duller than usual. Is he coming down with a fever?

The headache makes itself known again as Taka sits up too quickly on his bed, squeezing his eyes shut when a painful throb reverberates in his skull, the force enough to make him nauseous and sway in his spot. He presses his sweaty palm to his forehead, trying to alleviate the pain somehow while he racks his brain trying to think of what he did last night to make him feel _this_ woozy so early in the morning.

Paperworks, the usual. Meetings with client, scheduled livestreams. Some more correspondence he needed to take care of.

Nothing out of the ordinary.

_And yet_.

As if all this pain is not enough punishment for the young executive, there’s a dull ache on his lower back that stings when he straightens up. Taka curses whatever deity decides today is a good day for his back to start acting up again.

He groans. There goes his plans for tonight's 3_gu collab. He can't possibly handle the energy of the two boys _and_ stream at the same time in his current state.

And just when they finally have time to hang out again after so long.

Still half-awake and delirious from the soreness assaulting his whole body, Taka fumbles around for his phone, hand slipping under his pillow and diving beneath. There’s a pregnant pause when his fingers brush against something soft, something furry. Noticeably different from the satin of the covers.

He furrowed his eyebrows. That’s odd, he doesn’t remember bringing anything to bed.

Taka whips away the blanket to uncover the mystery object.

And instantly wished he hadn’t when he laid eyes on it.

There, curled near his hip, is a sleek black tail that seemed to come from somewhere behind him. Taka would have been convinced that it’s only an accessory if it wasn’t twitching every few beats, swishing around anxiously like it’s responding to Taka’s growing fear and confusion. Frantic, he lifts his shirt and almost goes into cardiac arrest when he confirms that _indeed_ , the tail is _his_ and it sprouted from his lower back, black blending into pale skin almost seamlessly.

_What in the name ofㅡ!_

He’s watched enough anime and played enough games to know where _this_ is going, but it can’t be real. It’s _impossible_ , that’s just a fun trope for comedy (or porn, depends on who you’re asking) that defies the laws of nature...Right?

_This has to be a dream_.

Yeah, that’s it. The moment he wakes up, the tail is going to disappear, and he’ll be back as Taka Radjiman. CEO of Mitaka Solutions, virtual liver of Nijisanji, and most importantly, a _normal human being_ with no bearing resemblance to a cat. At all.

The man counts to three with a deep inhale, and closes his eyes. He should lie down again, forget all about this bizarre dream, and wake up as fresh as a recently harvested radish.

That was his initial plan, if not for the sudden twinge of searing hot pain that came from behind the moment he tried to sleep. More specifically, his _tail_ hurt. The man yowls and sits up again, gaping at the offending appendage, standing straight and bristling from the accidental abuse it just went through.

Now, wait just a second.

You’re not supposed to feel pain when you’re dreaming.

Which means…

Oh. _Oh no._

This isn't happening. _Absolutely not_.

He bolts from the bed as fast as his legs can take him, blankets tossed haphazardly and almost tripping over his jersey shorts as the loose waistband starts to slip off his hips, making a mad dash towards the bathroom.

The lights are flicked on, and Taka skids to a stop in front of the mirror, purple irises wild and frantic as they promptly lock onto the pointed, fluffy ears now adorning the top of his head.

It twitches, pressing flat against his scalp.

Taka screams bloody murder.

* * *

He's sitting on his couch, curled in on himself while browsing through his phone. He's got a blanket draped over his head to hide the _monstrosities_ he refuses to address, tucking it over his tail as well to stop it from moving around so much, it's distracting!

He's been trying to look up whether any similar cases exist, but he's already five pages into his search results and it's getting apparent that he's the first ever person to get inflicted by this anomaly.

He should've expected that.

Taka groans, tossing his phone somewhere onto his couch and burying his face in his hands.

The headache he has from having a new set of ears has yet to fade, and now he can feel another one coming up as he thinks about how this would be a huge source of inconvenience for him in the future.

Not only does the whole 'cat hybrid' thing mess with his senses (the bright lights, the pungent smell of the garbage he has yet to throw away, the increasing appetite for fish), it's going to raise a lot of questions from his clients _and_ his fellow livers if the cat’s out of the bag (literally). The first half is easy to deal with, but the livers…

He shudders at the thought. The chaos that would come forth if they know, and the hassle of trying to avoid any of them for...For who knows how long. It’s going to be an absolute nightmare.

Taka has to get rid of this condition, _fast_. One, before he starts turning into an actual cat, behavior _and_ appearance wise. He’s seen it happen in movies and novels, it’s a definite possibility. Two, before someone shows up unannounced at his house before he can even make sense of this whole situation, which tends to happen often. Like, _very often_.

Especially a certain freelancer that has a habit of climbing his window at ass o' clock in the morning, just for free Wi-Fi.

Speaking of said freelancer, he almost forgot to tell Riksa _ㅡ_ and Raiㅡto postpone their collab after the shock of his...condition.

He blindly reaches for his phone again, peeking from the slit between his fingers as he thumbs open Discord and their group chat to notify the two men. He pauses, noticing the bright red number badge next to Riksa’s profile. Right, he muted his notifications.

Taka opens their chat, quickly skims through the messages.

And his face instantly pales.

_Pak Taka! I left something at your place last week, so I’ll be coming over early to pick it up._

_Sorry, I hope you don’t mind!_

_I’ll be there in 15 minutes if traffic isn’t bad, haha._

The messages were sent 25 minutes ago.

Without thinking twice, Taka jams the call button and waits (very impatiently, and anxiously) for Riksa to pick up.

A minute almost passes, and the other liver has yet to pick up, Taka's fear rising even higher with each ring that goes unanswered.

It disconnects after a while, and Taka swears his soul just left his body then and there.

Desperation begins to creep in as Taka relentlessly calls Riksa over and over again, hoping, _praying_ that by some miracle the freelancer would pick up the call and spare him from the train wreck that would inevitably happen the moment he sets foot here.

No such luck, of course.

As if today hasn’t been a chain of unfortunate events from the get-go, fate decides to pull yet another cruel prank on his poor soul.

_Tap, tap._

There's a soft rapping noise coming from his window that almost scared Taka out of his wits, black fluffy ears perking up at the steady 'tap tap tap' as he stands at attention.

He turns, and almost deafens his neighbors again with the unholy scream he lets out because lo and behold, Riksa Dhirendra decides to grace Taka with his presence by perching on his windowsill, peering in and waving without a care in the world, blissfully unaware about Taka's conundrum.

_Until now, that is_.

"Pak Taka! May I come in?"

"NO! Go away, go home!" Taka shouts, draping the blanket back over his head as he hurries to shoo Riksa away, firmly holding his window closed before Riksa can open the glass panes and step inside.

"But, Pak! It's windy outside, I'm getting cold!" Riksa complains, stubbornly trying to pry the stiles wider while Taka holds it shut with as much strength he can muster against the larger man.

"No one told you it was okay to come over! Now, get off!"

A strong breeze chooses that particular moment to blow straight inside through the gap between the stiles, and whisks the blanket right off of Taka's newly added appendages, exposing the ears for Riksa to see in all their fuzzy glory.

He can see the dawn of realization in Riksa's widening eyes, mismatched irises fixated _on top_ of Taka's head as he stares, and _stares_.

And just like that, the arrival of Riksa single-handedly destroys Taka’s hope of getting through this accursed incident peacefully.

"Oh...Pak Taka, I never knew you were into _this_ kind of stuff. So, do you also crossdressㅡ"

" _You got the wrong idea_!"

* * *

"Huh, I see...So you're already like this from the moment you woke up?" Riksa asks over a plate of fritters, munching on the snack and being oddly calm about the whole situation. Taka gives a defeated nod, trying to ignore how intensely Riksa is staring at his tail (and ears), the traitorous thing swaying back and forth behind him even when the raven has tried commanding it to stop from sheer force of will.

"I have no idea why it happened in the first place," Taka mutters, leaning back onto his couch with a heavy sigh, being careful not to crush his tail in the process. "I've been trying to find a way to reverse this, but I've come up completely blank. I can't stay like this forever. I have clients to catch up with and streams to do."

Riksa hums, taking the biggest fritter that Taka was _just_ about to pick, oblivious to Taka's glare trained at his side profile as he offers, in the most nonchalant way possible, as if it should be obvious to Taka already, “Usually, the cure involves kissing someone if you want to turn back.”

Taka glares even harder.

"Riksa, that is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard. And who, pray tell, am I supposed to kiss?"

The younger shrugs carelessly. "...Well, there's only two of us here, you don’t have much of a choice."

"No, thank you," he shoots down immediately before Riksa can get any ideas. "I doubt it will even work."

"What if it does?"

If looks could kill, the withering stare Taka sends at Riksa would have made him implode at the spot.

Riksa raises his hands in surrender. "Sorry, sorry," he says, slightly inaudible with the fritter hanging off of his mouth. "Still, at least you don't have to worry about it alone now."

He'd prefer that, actually.

"Jukut, I would appreciate it if you keep this between the two of us," Taka says, resigned to having Riksa on board to help. "We don't have to make everyone panic if we still don't know the extent of this condition."

Riksa gives a thumbs up and a grin as he says, “Don’t worry, your secret is safe with me, Pak!”

As chaotic as Riksa is, he knows that the other can be reliable when needed, so...Taka should probably thank his lucky stars (or whatever’s left of it, considering today has been the exact opposite of luck) it’s not anyone else.

Which reminds him. He needs to tell Rai before it’s too late (again).

Taka reaches for his phone the same time Riksa lifts his hand to touch his ears. It's light, and only grazes the tips of the appendages, but they're _sensitive_ and that's enough to make him shriek from the tickling sensation. The gadget almost slipped through his fingers, and he clasps a hand against his mouth to stifle the embarrassing noise.

" _Jukut_ , what do you think you're doing?!" he hisses, cheeks flushed a light pink as he bats at Riksa's hand, pointedly avoiding looking at the red-haired's stunned expression. "You can’t just do that out of the blue!"

"IㅡI'm sorry," Riksa stammers once he's snapped out of his stupor, though he doesn't sound the least bit apologetic. He's biting back a laugh, shoulders shaking and voice trembling as he tries his best not to break out into giggles, "I won't do it again."

Taka huffs, "You better not." It was a threat, not an order. For extra precautions, Taka tucks his tail away from Riksa's sight before he can mess with it. "Anyways, I have to inform Raiㅡ"

"Rai?" Riksa parrots, raising an eyebrow. "I thought he's already on his way here."

" _Whatㅡ_ "

* * *

Rai walks up to Taka's front door with hesitant steps, brows knitted together as purplish-blue irises stare down at his phone, brimming with nervous energy. It shows in the way he shifts from foot to foot, the way he taps the back of his phone erratically while waiting for a new notification badge to pop up on Discord.

It's weird. Taka and Riksa aren't answering his messages.

Riksa told him beforehand that he's going first, but he hasn't heard back from the freelancer since his last reply an hour ago. Surely, he couldn't have gotten lost. Maybe he's stuck in a traffic jam?

Taka as well. His senior usually doesn't take long to reply, at the minimum he'd just give a reaction if Rai says he's coming over, but there hasn't been a peep from the CEO since this morning.

He's slightly worried that Taka might have overslept and forgotten about their collab. Or worse, he suddenly got sick and now he's too ill to tell them about the change of plans. Knowing how much Taka tends to overwork himself, the latter sounds more probable.

Rai swallows a lump in his throat, thumb hovering uncertainly over the call button. Should he really try contacting Taka? What if he's disturbing his rest? What if he's too delirious from medicine to pick up the phone? What ifㅡ

_"Jukut, stop that!"_

_"What, I’m not doing anything!"_

The muffled sound of raised voices snaps the officer out of his train of thoughts, blinking rapidly as he directs his focus to the closed door in front of him.

So, Riksa's already here. And Taka seems fine, too. Were they busy with something?

"Tamka-saaan?" the blond calls out, fingers curled into a loose fist, poised to knock on the wooden frame and alert the owner of his presence.

_"Riksa, don’t you even dare!"_

_"Oh, come on, Pak. It’s not going to hurt! Just a little touch...I’m kind of curious, is all."_

_"I thought I told you already that you can'tㅡRiksa. Riksa!"_

There's more inaudible conversation after, with Taka growing increasingly panicked and Riksa growing increasingly insistent. Rai is about to ask if they’re alright just as the voices suddenly escalate in volume.

" _No_ , _waitㅡRiksa, I thought I told you not to touch me thereㅡAah!"_

_"So that's the sound you make if I stroke there. Huh...Interesting~"_

_"Riksa, I'm begging you. SㅡStop!"_

It cuts to some shuffling and harried footsteps, and Rai jolts in place when there's a sharp yelp from Taka and the sound of something crashing to the ground.

His experience as a police officer puts him at high alert almost immediately, instincts kicking in as red signals flash in his mind. Taka and Riksa could have seriously injured themselves!

"Pak Taka, Riksa! Are you okay?!"

Rai shouts, his body moving on its own as he reflexively pushes the (conveniently unlocked) door open, preparing himself to see two injured men and a messy room andㅡ

_Ah._

Nothing in his years of law enforcement training could prepare him for the sight that greets his eyes instead of the horrible scenario he had conjured.

Taka's body is pinned onto the floor by Riksa, who has his hands on Taka's wrists, straddling the executive's hips while grinning down mischievously at the older man beneath him, a knee wedged in between Taka's legs, who's thrashing in Riksa's grip with his shirt riding up slightly, a cat ears headband perched on top of his head. They're both flushed in the face, hair disheveled and clothes slightly rumpled, panting heavily from...Whatever physical exertion they did before.

The pair whip their heads towards Rai at the sudden 'bang', and their expressions shift into one of morbidity in just a millisecond as soon as they set eyes on Rai's figure.

The tension in the air is almost palpable as the three men just stand there gaping at each other without saying a word. Horrified on one side, traumatized on the other.

Rai stands shock-still as the silence stretches on, unable to take his eyes off of the compromising position the two older livers are caught in.

Until his brain boots up again, his face heating up and letting out a mortified whine as he promptly slams the door shut on them, rushing back the way he came from.

"Eeeeehh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to interrupt you two!"

"No, Rai! Wait, this isn't what it looks like!"

“Rai, come back!”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading, peeps! Please tell me what you think in the comments if you liked it <3 Will try to have the next chapter posted by the end of this week, so look forward to it!
> 
> Once again, happy birthday to our favorite CEO and I hope you have a lot of fun today! This is the best gift I can think of for you, hehe.


End file.
